STOP!!!<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0If you are sensitive, have an aversion to un-nerving stories (true or un-true), cheer for a liberal university (sooners, longhorns or most Cali schools), vote democrat or have socialist thoughts, or you have morals and just don’t need to be dumber after reading some stuff–then please, do NOT read any further.\u00a0 Stop!!\u00a0 Please.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
This story may be true, partially true and\/or completely made up.\u00a0 One or more of the people involved in this story are no longer with us.<\/p>\n
In the words of Gandalf the Grey, “You shall not pass!”<\/p>\n
Yet,<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 here you are,<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0still reading.\u00a0 \u00a0 You were warned.<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 In a time, that is beginning to feel like a long time ago, yet in a lot of ways, still seems like yesterday (the late 90s.)\u00a0 It was late spring.\u00a0 There was a native that was\/is a local legend.\u00a0 We’ll call him LJ.\u00a0 Master of the Smoker, partaker of a cold beer and always a good time.\u00a0 He hollered at me one day and said, “Whatcha got going on Saturday morning?”<\/p>\n
I replied, “I actually don’t have to be anywhere.”<\/p>\n
“No judging contests or animals to buy?” he asked.<\/p>\n
“No.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 What do you have going on?”\u00a0 My interest was now piqued.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
He said that he had to dispose of some animals for a guy in Kansas.\u00a0 With head cocked, I asked, “You mean butcher some animals?”\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n
“No.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Just dispose of some.\u00a0 Can’t butcher ’em.\u00a0 He just wants them gone.\u00a0 Be here bout 7 am.”<\/p>\n
What in the hell kind of deal is this?<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Before 7 am on Saturday morning, I rolled up to his place with my Mountain Dew in hand.\u00a0 LJ was sitting on the steps, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette.\u00a0 We exchanged pleasantries for a few moments at which point a pickup towing an old BullMobile gooseneck trailer pulled up and began unhooking.\u00a0 LJ walked up to greet him.\u00a0 I walked to the back of the trailer to look at the contents.\u00a0 HOLY CRAP!!!<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Once unhooked, the customer got back in his pickup and yelled out of the window, “I’ll be back in an hour or so with another load.\u00a0 What in the sam hill is getting ready to happen here?”<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I looked back in the trailer then looked at LJ.\u00a0 “Ostriches!?\u00a0 You’re getting paid to dispose of ostriches?!?\u00a0 How are you going to manage to do this job?”<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0He looked at me square in the eye and said, “I’m not!”<\/p>\n
“WHOAAA there cowboy!!!!\u00a0 I ain’t getting in a trailer with those birds.\u00a0 No way!\u00a0 I’ve heard Doc Pollard talk about dealing with brain injuries from ostriches.”\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n
He laughed and said, “You ain’t getting in either.\u00a0 I just thought that you would enjoy the show cuz this don’t happen everyday.\u00a0 And by the time this is done, I figure Johnson will need somebody to save him.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
This was during a time that the ostrich market had crashed.\u00a0 It had been hot for several years in the early 90s but now they were worthless.\u00a0 There was NO market left.\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 This customer had too many birds to just “off” them himself, so he was paying for the work to be done.\u00a0 He couldn’t afford to feed them and there were no buyers for them.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Wait.\u00a0 What?\u00a0 RUSM?\u00a0 Johnson is coming to do this.\u00a0 You’ve got THE Johnson coming this morning.\u00a0 Sure enough, about 7:10 am, I heard a vehicle crossing the nearby train tracks.\u00a0 Johnson’s black, topless Jeep wrangler rolled up.\u00a0 Johnson was early 50ies but he looked 80ish.\u00a0 He stood about 5’9″ and was down to about 130 lbs.\u00a0 Hair slicked back and wearing a white (somewhat stained) t-shirt tucked into his jeans.\u00a0 He was smoking a cigarette and had an open Budweiser–the King of Beers.\u00a0 He walked up to the trailer and looked in.\u00a0 He took a drag off the cig, then a couple of swallows of Budweiser then said, “Good morning men” as he headed up the steps into the building.\u00a0 He came back with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth, beer in his left hand and a 8″ roast slicing knife in his right hand.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I was like, “Dude, you are NOT getting in that trailer with those birds!\u00a0 They will kick the crap out of you.\u00a0 This will not work.”<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Johnson nodded his head and said, “I’ve got this.”\u00a0 He then set his beer on the bumper of the trailer, took a puff from the Marlboro, slid the back sliding gate open, grabbed his beer and climbed in.\u00a0 “Shut the gate”, he growled.\u00a0 I slid it mostly shut while barking warnings.\u00a0 LJ leaned on the other side of the trailer, looking, watching and grinning.\u00a0 He too knew that this was NOT the way but Johnson had to learn.<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 As Johnson slowly advanced from the back of the trailer towards the front, he held the knife out towards the birds while he tightly clutched the can of beer.\u00a0 His lips firmly held the cigarette.\u00a0 The large birds were all facing him but backing up…backing up until they were tightly packed.\u00a0 Crowded.\u00a0 One bird was left out of the pack, almost like a point man.\u00a0 This bird found itself in a stand-off with a beer drinking, cigarette smoking, knife wielding purveyor of death.\u00a0 It was 1on1.\u00a0 The bird was backed up and Johnson was trying to gauge when to strike.\u00a0 \u00a0Wait?\u00a0<\/p>\n
Strike with what?\u00a0 The birds reach with his beak or it’s feet is longer than Johnsons’ reach with a 8″ knife.\u00a0 This is stupid.\u00a0 “Johnson, that bird is getting ready to kick the shit out of you.\u00a0 Get out of there!”\u00a0 LJ agreed, “Johnson, I don’t think that this will work.”\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Johnson feigned a knife strike towards the birds neck.\u00a0 The bird dodged.\u00a0 His head was weaving back and forth.\u00a0 Up and down.\u00a0 This wasn’t a fair fight.\u00a0 At this point, it was evident that even if Johnson had a Bowie knife, he was going to get his ass kicked by a 6′ tall piece of poultry.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Once again, Johnson feigned another couple of knife strikes, just to get a measurement.\u00a0 Left then right.\u00a0 The bird dodged, dipped, ducked and dived.\u00a0 Now, Johnson stepped into the next lunge.\u00a0 He meant to do harm with this strike.\u00a0 But NO!!\u00a0 \u00a0That bird pecked him right in the forehead.\u00a0 Oh Son-of-a-gun!\u00a0 Johnson lunged again and this time the bird pecked his shoulder and kicked him in the thigh.\u00a0 He dropped his beer.\u00a0 The kick ripped Johnson’s jeans.\u00a0 He was staggered, vision blurred.\u00a0 At this moment, Johnson stumbled backwards as I slid the gate open.\u00a0 I grabbed him and drug him backwards out of the trailer.\u00a0 LJ slid the gate shut.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0All the while, the birds stayed tightly packed with the one soldier still weaving his head back and forth, up and down.\u00a0 That bird was ready for more.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Johnson got up from the ground, cussed about his broke cigarette and spilled beer.\u00a0 No mention of the ripped jeans or his bloody face.\u00a0 Or the fact that he just got his ass kicked by a bird.\u00a0 However, he was pissed.\u00a0 I tried telling him that this was not the way.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Johnson headed towards his Jeep.\u00a0 I tried to stop him.\u00a0 LJ yelled, “Let him go.\u00a0 He’ll be back.”\u00a0 Johnson fired up the Jeep, opened a beer and headed back into town.\u00a0 LJ and I talked about how the rest of this was going to go down.\u00a0 I could NOT have imagined what was to happen next.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Once again, I heard the Jeep cross the train tracks.\u00a0 Johnson got out, took a chug of beer, reached in the back of the Jeep and pulled out a football helmet.\u00a0 A helmet like Joe Theisman wore while playing for the Redskins (remember that team).\u00a0 An old helmet with a single bar face mask.\u00a0 I wasn’t sure if that was enough protection.\u00a0 He then placed a cigarette in his mouth, grabbed the same knife and put it in his back pocket–point up.\u00a0 Then he reached into the bed of the Jeep and pulled out a… oh my, this might work, but is this right… yep–he pulled out a wood baseball bat.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 He then marched to the trailer, without a beer, slid the door open and climbed back into the gladiator’s arena.\u00a0 Once again, I partially shut the sliding door and barked some warnings.\u00a0 I felt like Rocky Balboa’s brother-in-law as Rocky fought Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.\u00a0 I was barking something but the fighter wasn’t listening.\u00a0 Johnson then stepped forward and the bird began the routine of the head bob.\u00a0 Johnson held the bat up, much like a little leaguer trying to decide when to swing.\u00a0 He leaned forward and the bird struck BUT Johnson ducked and then swung.\u00a0 Oh lordy!\u00a0 \u00a0Contact.\u00a0 The bird now had a broken neck.\u00a0 Johnson grabbed it by the neck and pulled out the knife.\u00a0 Bloody!\u00a0 And it was just now 8 am.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Now, Johnson had a rhythm going.\u00a0 Step in and engage. Then dodge, duck or dive, followed by a swing, then cut.\u00a0 Next.\u00a0 As he finished that trailer load, the customer pulled up with the next load.\u00a0 Johnson only got hit by the birds a couple of more times.\u00a0 But he finished the job….bloody, battered, torn and bruised.\u00a0 Nonetheless, there were no more birds to be disposed.\u00a0 The job was done.\u00a0 And then he really went to drinking, smoking and cussing.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
I’m not saying it was in-humane.\u00a0 I’m not saying it was humane.\u00a0 I will say it was effective.\u00a0 Maybe they should have just been turned out and shot.\u00a0 I truly don’t know.\u00a0 Today, there is probably a rescue mission for big birds.\u00a0 I truly don’t know.\u00a0 The internet was just getting going.\u00a0 There was no video or pics.\u00a0 So, according to today’s society, that means it didn’t happen.\u00a0 Right?\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Well, maybe it did.\u00a0 Maybe it didn’t.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Can you make this sort of thing up?\u00a0 Have you seen the opening of The Hangover 3?\u00a0 Tiger King?<\/p>\n
I told you to quit reading.\u00a0 In fact, the very first word was “Stop”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Believe it.\u00a0 Don’t believe it.\u00a0 I wouldn’t.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
STOP!!! \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0If you are sensitive, have an aversion to un-nerving stories (true or un-true), cheer for a liberal university (sooners, longhorns or most Cali schools), vote democrat or have socialist thoughts, or you have morals and just don’t need to be dumber after reading some stuff–then please, do […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4664"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4664"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4664\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4681,"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4664\/revisions\/4681"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4664"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4664"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kellnlivestock.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4664"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}