Some people can put words together and make things sound like they are “prettier than a twenty dollar whore”.  Others can attach words in such a way that reminds one of a beginning welder trying to scab together some plate metal with 6011 rod.  It just ain’t right.

I have recently watched as yet another senior class struggles with the literary works of the iconic Shakespeare.  How in the hell did this dude’s works become required reading?  You didn’t like it.  Me either.

They have tried to make movies of this crap and yet, it doesn’t translate.  Are there wicked quotes?  You bet.  “Something wicked this way comes.”  But the stories as a whole are hard to digest.

Growing up, I was a voracious reader.  I read a lot.  Jack London novels, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, the Bible, J.R.R. Tolkien, James Michener (yeah, tie into that Centennial book–better clear a calendar)  and the entire World Book Encyclopedia set.  Yep, I read every one of those.  Any time that I had to hit the throne, I grabbed a World Book and headed to take care of business.  The drone of the vent fan, the privacy, gaining some knowledge–it was a fortress of solitude.

As I got into high school, I started reading periodicals–Sports Illustrated, Purple Circle, National Geographic and Showbox magazine.  My OCD tendencies requires me to read every line once I start.  I’ve never had a subscription to Playboy magazine, but on the occasions that I had access to one, I read every line, every story, every caption.  And I looked at every picture.  Some, twice.

Now, I read the High Plains Journal, the PennyNews and numerous online literary sources that cover a wide range of topics.

As much as I like to look at the written English word, I can NOT stand much of anything that Shakespeare wrote.  Romeo & Juliet is the MOST over-rated love story of all time.  Am I bashing the Bard of Avon? NO!  On the contrary, I will say that he was obviously brilliant at perfecting ways to deliver his lines, perform plays and enthrall an audience.  I am fine with introducing Shakespeare’s works to students but HOW and WHY did it ever become required to study Macbeth and Hamlet and A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Romeo & Juliet?  This is my blog and therefore my opinion, he is a MUST for drama and playwrights.  But English class– a week or two–sure.  A semester or more–nope.

Now, I would like to bring you to the other side of my brain.  I was bored on this evening, so I turned on the boob tube.  I didn’t want to watch nfl or the other crap that was being offered.  I flipped channels until I came upon the classic The Waterboy.

As I was listening to Farmer Fran utter sheer brilliance as he was witnessing Bobby Boucher unleash a can of whoop ass— and I quote, “Ish dee yo do!!”  I thought to myself “Dude, I would way rather listen to Farmer Fran than suffer through Shakespeare.”

“We liv to pway anuddah day.”

“Membaw when Bawby Booshay ewwed up and tackedel the ajdfosadiuvjcoijclxvjocavfijodafjg?”

How does this tie to the goat world?  Here ya go!  Blake Clark was the actor that played Farmer Fran in The Waterboy.  He also played a role in the iconic cinematic classic JOE DIRT.  He played an Old Cajun Man.  He had a line talking to Joe Dirt about where he was from.

“Ome is whawre u mak it.”

Joe Dirt replied, “You like to see homos naked?”

“No.  No.  No.  Ome is whawre u mak it.”

Joe Dirt, “Alright, you like to see homos naked.”

“Ome is whawre u mak it!!  Ome where u mak it.  Got damn boy, evabuddy no dat!”

Here’s where I wrap up all this drivel.  1–I like to read.  2–I respect expert wordsmiths.  3–I didn’t enjoy Shakespeare.  4–I like some well written nonsense comedy.  5–I don’t want to see homos naked and I don’t want to read or watch any Shakespeare stuff. (might be on one in the same)  6–I like The Waterboy, Joe Dirt–the movie and Joe Dirt–the goat.

Have a good one and remember that HOME is where you make it!  I hope all of you clowns have access to home-made popcorn balls for halloween.

Ish-dee-yo-do!