Do NOT read that title and try to decipher any part of it.  I’m probably going to hell for numerous reasons but that one opens up a new express lane for me.  But, yes.  It happened and I was like WTFFFFF!?!?!    If you have never met me, don’t text or call about this.  But yes, our little corgi cross dogs really like new visitors.

Once again, the things that happen in everyday life and I just happened to be present for it.  This is going to get long warning.

Here’s a story, about an online goat sale that I had a sale a couple of weeks ago.  5 bucks.  3 of them sold to 3 different deals in Cali.  1 sold to North Carolina and 1 to Oklahoma.  Guess which one is still here?  Yep, the closest one.  It’s all good.  The buyer has been in contact and I told him it was fine.  However, goats went to either coast and the one that goes 4 hours away…  Still here.  I love it…..so much……that I’m getting out.  But, that’s not why.

I shouldn’t write this either.  Yet, here we go.

A couple of months ago, I wrote about accidentally shooting my baby brother in the liver with a BB gun.  I don’t normally tell family stories, however, I have a lot of them.  My family, OUR family is extremely interesting.  When you meld Tammy’s side with my side and our brothers/in-laws, etc….well, we probably ought to make a movie about it all.  I just wish that I knew somebody in Hollywood.

Granny

My Dad’s mom was known by all in Shattuck as Granny.  She wasn’t 5 foot tall, yet she was larger than life.  HUGE personality.  She passed about 15 years ago.  I think of her often.  I’m so happy that both of my kids have fond memories of her.  As you read this stuff, remember that I have 2 reasons for this blog and your enjoyment is not one that I give a rat’s ass about.

I was the oldest grandchild.  Which did not work out in my favor at Christmas time, although I have the best memories.   The thoughts of her that stick out–

1–You would walk into her house looking for her.  Yell, “Granny” and she would call out from the back.  Which meant, that there was a strong chance that she was sitting on the throne, door WIDE open,  smoking a cigarette and working on a crossword puzzle.  Things that you can’t unsee.

2–In the spring and summer, Granny would be in the garden or flower beds working.  She would get hot and take her shirt off.  All 4′ 10″ of her, working in the garden, wearing a bra.  A granny bra.  While smoking.

3–The last time that I saw her alive.  She was hooked to an oxygen tube.  Pumping pure O2 through her nostrils.  Yet, she was sitting there, smoking a cigarette.  I said, “Granny, really?”

She grinned, shook her head and said, “Doesn’t matter at this point.”  We talked, hugged and a day later…….Truly one of my favorite human beings.

Which brings me to this story.

I have 2 brothers.  I am the oldest.  I took after the Schneider side.  Short, kind of stocky and not as smart as I think that I might should be.  Daniel–the youngest, kind of the same, yet some more of the Kelln stuff.  The middle one, Jake—oh hell, Kelln through and through.  6′ plus.  Physically fit.  Mid 40s and he can still play some ball.  Blonde haired and blue eyed.  Loud.  Loud. Loud.  You put the three of us side by side.  NO DOUBT that we are all litter mates.

Back in the early 80s, Granny got all of the grandkids, except for me,  blue fuzzy house shoes for Christmas.  They had cookie monster fur on these shoes.  Daniel was still in diapers.  I was just the right age to be a human remote control.

Dad–“Turn the channel.  Turn it again.  See if that Marty Stouffer Wild America is on OETA.  Well crap.  I don’t need to watch Lou Dobbs.  Turn it back to the news.”

As I was playing remote control, Jake came streaking though the living room.  Buck-ass naked except for the blue fuzzy house shoes and the grape Hubba Bubba bubble gum that he was blowing bubbles out of his mouth.  He stopped right in front of the tv, shook his moneymaker, blew a bubble, mooned us, then Dad yelled at him and then he ran.  He did this twice.  Then disappeared.   People, I was roughly 10 and Jake was 5.

A bit later, he was screaming for help.  Mom went to investigate.  When she yelled for me to bring mineral oil and peanut butter, I knew that I needed to see what the heck.  I looked through the doorway.  Somehow, he had smeared that grape Hubba Bubba bubble gum all over his nut bag.  I mean, he had sack stuck to either thigh.   He had that scrotum stretched so thin that it looked like a bat wing.  How the?   Is that the?  Hunh?   Dude, that’s a lot of purple bubble gum.

Being the true Saint that our mother was and still is, she worked to rid him of the bubble gum that he smeared all over his nut bag.  If it would have been my decision, I would have left him covered.

And the rest of the story….there was a Q tip left in Daniel’s crib.  Later that night, Daniel shoved that Q tip through his own ear drum.  And for a couple of years, Big D had a bit of a speech impediment because he couldn’t hear out of that ear.  All because of blue fuzzy house shoes and Hubba Bubba bubble gum.

And to this day, Jake has a cool family and a loving wife.  Yet, my visual image of that purple gum and nut sack……..well, she must really love him.

HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Mom & Dad.  Please pray for me.  I need all of the help that I can get.