To start with:

Dear 2020, I would like to let you know that I am typing all of this with my middle finger!  Actually, both of them.

Yeah, it’s a thing.  Ladies doing yoga with little goats climbing all over them.  Cute!

Back in 2007, I started a chapter in a book.  The chapter was titled, “Goat Yoga”.  It’s not the same thing.  And it damn sure ain’t cute.

It was towards the end of May.  It was early in the AM.  At that time, I owned over 150 does.  Each morning, they left the corrals after first light.  I stood there and watched as they did what does do–stand up, stretch, crap, then squat to pee.  Then they headed out single file.  All except one.  She was a doe that I bought directly from Claire & Sharon–the Powell/Holman sisters.  This doe didn’t move.  Is she dead?

I walked over to her and nudged her with my foot.  No movement.  Yet, I could tell that she was alive.  Somehow, someway, this retarded beast had hooked her right rear knee behind her left horn.  WHAT?  How in the name of doing yoga did this dumb ass pull this stunt off?  She was locked into place like Randy “Macho Man” Savage had folded her into this position.  Except, she had done it to herself.  It was at this point, that I realized that a doe goat can get itself into ANY and EVERY awkward position–and they sometimes live through it.  I twisted her torso, so that I could get enough leverage to undo the leg out from under the horn.  And then she ran off to catch up with the rest of the herd.  Stupid!

Over the years, there have been numerous texts from breeders like Helms, Milligan, Sweet & Schneberger with pics of the newest–“You ain’t gonna believe this shit!”.

I mean, upside down and in the creep feeder.  They had to have done a flip, from a diving board, in order to land in that position and get wedged into that spot.

There has been numerous times that I have recalled the great movie “There’s Something About Mary”.  Wait, is that the beans ABOVE the frank?”  How did that happen?

How did that horn get there and that foot…..there?

The laws of physics do NOT apply to the goat industry.

This is not a unique situation.  Any and all goat herders have these stories.  Some just have more than others.  Regardless of zip code, these creatures can make one scratch their head and go, “I gotta take a pic of this and send to somebody else that will understand.”

I beg you.  Please, for the love of GOD, do NOT send me a bunch of texts, pics, etc of your stupid damn goat stunts.  I’ve seen it.  I believe you and I do NOT want to see them.  I don’t want to see pics of my own goats much less some damn creatures that I don’t like AND don’t own.