Funniest Of All Time

I like to laugh.  And in the goat business, you better be able to laugh as bad weather, bad luck or just the goats themselves will make you need a laugh.

Bill Cosby– I wasn’t very old when I saw the Bill Cosby Himself special.  It was killer funny then and has stood up to the test of time.  Regardless of his current issues, that dude was all time classic funny.

John Belushi–Animal House, SNL (That show doesn’t make it without him) and his all time classic role that nobody else could have played–The Blues Brothers.  

George Carlin–Yes, there are the words that you can’t use on tv, but this dude was scary smart and very funny.

Adam Sadler–Talented, funny, funny, funny.  His P.O.S. car song still kills me.

Richard Pryor–Way dirty and way funny.  A comedian that other comedians look up to.

Robin Williams–great–great.!

Will Farrell–Love his stuff.  Love it.  

Eddie Murphy–Buckwheat, Gumby, that red leather suit.  I remember watching Dr. Dollittle with Kela thinking “There is NO way that this cat can keep it clean for kids.”  He did and was great and then he did it again in the Shrek movies. 

Ron White–I won’t argue that I laugh harder at his jokes than anybody’s.  Not for all audiences, but funny.

Bill Murray–incredibly iconic funny-man–nobody else could have played that role in Caddyshack.  Nobody.  Dry sense of humour.  Twisted.  But his roles are iconic.  Nobody else could do it.  

Jim Carrey–talented and twisted.  The Dragon Lady hates his movies.  I can watch Dumb & Dumber over and over.  Classic.

Larry the Cable Guy–WAY funny.  

Jeff Foxworthy–not the funniest of all time, but maybe the BEST of all time.  EVERYBODY likes Foxworthy.  And can keep it clean enough for the kids, but the adults get it.  And has managed to stay current for 25 plus years.  Plus introduced us to Ron White, Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy and one of my favorites, Kathleen Madigan.  

Chevy Chase–Killer Cool.  Clark W. Griswold.  Movies, sketch, SNL–he is kind of like the cool kid even amongst the big names.

And my personal favorite for Funniest Of All Time–Chris Farley   

Tommy Boy, Chippendales, living in a van down by the river, etc.  He made professional comedians laugh.  Google some of this stuff and laugh, they are all funny.  

It was a rainy, drizzly day here in paradise.  If I knew how to run the dvd player, or had a vcr player or had these movies on dvd then I would have watched 1 or 5 of them today.  But I didn’t.  I just had a stupid grin on my face as I sorted through the piles of VCR tapes in the basement.  Needless to say, but I still have stuff that needs hauled to the dumpster.  Just not those tapes.  I laughed just looking at them.  Have a good day and a better tomorrow.  

at leat ’86 or ’87.  I don’t remember for sure.  I hated picking this crap out of Dad’s garden when I was a kid.  The plants were spiny and would almost stick you.  Not like a sandbur, but just enought that it would piss you off if you didn’t have gloves on.  I tried eating it back in the 80s and hated it.  Fried, pickled, whatever, it didn’t matter, this crap was a weed and I didn’t want any part of it.

      Then in the early 90s, Kela was little.  Real little.  She was still wearing a diaper, but was able to open the fridge door at my parents’ house.  She got a jar of pickled okra and ate the whole jar.  The WHOLE jar.  That diaper was horrendous.  I didn’t change many diapers, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t change that diaper but I was present when the Dragon Lady took that plastic container of black BBs off of her naked butt.  Bad! Real Bad!  Use the garden hose!  

      Now, fast forward to 2015.  I needed to order a few more dollars worth of seeds in order to get the big discount.  So, I filled the slots with some crap that I thought would sell.  Okra.  Duke and I planted the seeds.  100% germination.  Much like a weed.  These plants are so weed-like that I didn’t kill them with 2-4D drift.  As the plants grew, I thought that they didn’t look like the terrorist plants of my youth.  There weren’t any spines, the pods looked, well, almost edible.  No way that I would eat this crap.

     Then I walk in tonight and the Dragon Lady has some fried okra on a plate.  It looked edible.  I looked, then walked off.  I came back.  It was cooled off and didn’t look like okra.  Without her looking, I made sure that they were cool, then I ate one.  I got caught on the 2nd one.  No ranch, just breaded fried okra.  It was good.  I ate one more and I am still amazed.  The people behind the genetics of these plants have worked wonders.  They have removed a bunch of negatives of the plants.  But made it edible.  

      I am now worried.  What other stuff is now edible?  Tomatoes….not raw, only in salsa.  Zuchinni….I’m out.  Squash….nope.  Bell peppers….NEVER!!!  However, I just got done eating the best taters that I have ever had.  Duke and I will double down on this variety next year.  He will only sell a few pounds this year as I will keep the rest for myself.  I have and always will love a dang good tater.  

       And as for goats, WOW!  Helms sold some top notch females and they brought a top notch price.  I love it.  He’ll be able to buy steak and taters for another year.  Cheers!  Here’s to a good day, but a better tomorrow.  

PS–As I am writing this, the 80s classic movie Three Amigos! is on the boob toob.  I have seen several sets of kids out of the buck 3 Amigos. This dude is going to work.  And work WAY GOOD!  I’m getting ready to make arrangements to breed some does to him.  Wait, wait, watch, kind of like okra…if you wait long enough, it gets good.  

    I am a little bit (LOT) road weary.  We’ve covered some miles the past 6 weeks.  But without a doubt, the worst miles have been this past week.  I have had to make the trek from Shattuck to Camp Tulakogee three times this past week.  It has been a HUGE PITA! (Pain In The Ass).  

     One of the very best things that the Oklahoma FFA does is the Alumni Camp.  Kids love it, want to come back, it is great.  In my previous tour of duty, I used to stay and “help”.  Without a doubt, it is a great camp.  So great that you have to have a ticket.  Kind of like a good concert.  It is in demand.  I am real serious about this.  Trust me, it’s good and it is in demand.  

     The only problem that I have is that the drive from Shattuck to Camp Tulakogee is miserable.  Big time road construction between Woodward and Enid.  Lots of road construction from Sand Springs to Catoosa (all of Tulsa), plus the fact that Woodward, Enid and Tulsa are PITA’s to begin with.  Throw in the fact that parts of the Cimarron Turnpike is rough enough to vibrate the fillings right out of your teeth.  I am glad that I won’t make that drive for awhile.  I am ready to hit some Texas highways. 

     No doubt about it, Texas does make smooth highways and they will let you drive, to a certain degree.  

     We have gathered a little over an inch of rain the past few days.  Plus a butt load of wind.  Dang neart ruined the new trampoline.  Paradise is green.  So green that Duke has been able to blow fireworks wherever just so as long as it didn’t bother a doe and babies.  Yep, he moved up the hill once he got started.  

     It is hard to come up with something everyday to write about.  Don’t get me wrong, I have opinions everyday, but some I have to leave alone.  Some stories just don’t need posting and even though I do know the general locale of where my daughter is at this present time, I cannot and will not write about it.  Trust me though, it’s cool.  Real cool.  

     However, I have and will take requests.  And to respond to loyal reader Ron, I apoplogize for not writing daily.  I will try to do better.  Yes, the corn and bean crops will do well this year.  I am worried about our current political climate.  No, I have not ever had a Moscow Mule.  Yes, I will be at the American Royal this year, either as a spectator or helping Duke.  Yes, you had better be there.  Yes, it will be fun.  No, it is not my turn to buy steaks at the Golden Ox or Charlie’s for that matter.  I recently won a couple of bets and I plan on collecting said bets.  What is the saying, the more, the merrier?  You bet!  

      I actually am looking forward to KC.  Not because of the show, but it has been a couple of years since I have attended and I need to go.  I need to share stories, swap lies and raise a toast to all those northerners (or yankees) that have crossed our paths.  Five ice cubes, two fingers of Woodford Reserve and a splash of fresh water and I am in a good mood on this fine Friday evening.  

     Cheers to all!  Here’s to a great today and a better tomorrow.  I wish nothing but horseshoes and shamrocks for all!  

Speaking of which, Lucky Charms is going “gluten free”.  I have recently had to learn about the “gluten free” diet that some people have to deal with.  I don’t think that I could do it.  Just toss me a couple of rolls.  I know it’s going to hurt, but dang it.  I like my bread products,etc.  I already don’t do well being lactose intolerant.  I really like my dairy products and I just calculate when and where I’m going to eat some ice cream, blizzard, blended float, etc.  Actually, it’s not the eating part that I calculate.  It is the place and time that it is going to hit me right in the gut that I have to calculate.  Ask Staats or Tyke.  

       One of my favorite things about this blog is when people are talking to me and say, “I don’t look at your blog very often, but this one time…..”   Oh BS!   This deal is like watching a wreck.  You know it’s going to happen.  Once you start, you check back on a regular basis, hoping for that big wreck.  I will bet that you check this blog and others like metamucil….REAL regular.  

       I know that I am right because I too check these things daily.  Milligan’s word of the day is more like word of the month or so, but I still check daily.  Today, he finally had a rant about how toilet paper is supposed to be dispensed–under the roll or like Sylvester Stallone in that crappy arm-wrestling movie… OVER THE TOP!  He is wrong, but still right.  He is wrong in the fact that it is an “Over 40” thing.  I say, “NO! It is not an over 40 thing.”  But he is correct that the over the top toilet paper dispensing is the proper way.  

     You see, I have been known to spend some quality time in the dumper, reading and thinking.  Back in the late 70s and early 80s, I read the entire set of World Book Encyclopedias all while seated on a throne of porcelain.  I’m pretty sure that my parents worried about what I was doing in there.  I have always had some digestive issues that led to me spending time in the crapper, but then I realized that I liked the solitude and the vent fan drowned out the rest of the world.  Then, we got the game Trivial Pursuit and my parents quickly realized that I ACTUALLY read that whole damn set of books, plus the National Geographics, TIME, all of the Purple Circle, Showbox and whatever livestock literature that we got, PLUS I do remember the Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions–Elle McPherson & Kathy Ireland.  I even read the captions.  

     I digress.  What I am saying is that if I was EVER on JEAPORDY and there was a category that I could run and only pray that I got a chance at a daily double during said category, well, it would be Bathroom Knowledge.  

      And without a doubt the PROPER and ONLY way to dispense butt paper is OVER THE TOP!  There are only two reasons to dispense donkey-wipe under the roll.  1–Total disregard for being proper, the environment, etc. and you just don’t care.  2–You actually want to make somebody mad.  That’s it.  There are no other valid reasons to roll aswipe under the roll.  

      While running that Deere dealership, I actually gave the dude a raise if he would put fresh rolls in going OVER THE TOP.  When they rolled under, I would sit there and correct the issue.  But then I realized that this was a recurring problem that detracted from my reading of the current High Plains Journal.  So, I confronted him.  Then, when he was due a raise, I tied that raise to correcting the problem.  Yep.  He changed his ways for a few dollars more.  Which in turn saved money as it actually saves toilet paper.  Over the top uses less butt wipe.  Not just my opinion.  Just FACT!!  

     True story–I had a really good customer that would call me on my cell phone to talk equipment.  His first question would be “Where you at?”  When I said, “My office.”  His next question would be, “East or West office.”  When I said, “West office”, he would say, “Good, you do better business when you are in that office.”  For those that don’t know, my office was on the east side and the bathroom was on the west end.  And for the record, Leroy bought lots of equipment and we made lots of money on his trade ins.  It was good business.  

      I travel a bunch.  So, I consider myself an expert on this topic.  And if you will stop and pay attention, I will prove that I am right.  When you walk into a quick stop crapper, look at the roll when you first enter the stall.  Let’s just say that you are in Texas which means that you are probably entering an Allsups.  If there is paper hanging freely and/or touching the ground, it will be from UNDER the roll.  Likewise, the over of the top method will be tore smooth off and waiting for the next pull.  Not collecting dust, maggots, viruses, VD, herpes, fly crap or anything else that might yield the user the need for a shot of Penicillin.  

     You want to argue?  Go to a McDonald’s.  Nobody does efficiency like the golden arches.  They measure time, ketchup, pickles, napkins and BUTT WIPE.  They roll it over the top.  Their donkey paper dispensers work best over the top.  And when they have the problem of challenged employees, they end up with a pile of crack paper on the floor.  

    I do and I don’t measure efficiencies of the goat industry.  I used to, but I just got depressed.  And I noticed that the more I spent, the better it works.  Doesn’t make sense and I don’t like it.  But there you go.  

      Now, what I really wish that I could do was collect a dollar from now on, EVERY time, you readers look at toilet paper rolls in every McDonald’s or Allsups or other establishments from now on.  I’ll bet you look.  

     And I’ll also bet that you children of the 80’s remember Kathy Ireland in that yellow bikini.  Over the top.  

     Yep, I am not afraid to bet.  I’ve lost some, but I’ve won more.  I don’t like betting on a video machine in a casino.  Craps table, okay.  Horse racing, you bet.  Buying stock show animals–all in.  But, I have been wrong.  And I will be again.

     I did make a wager on this fine evening and I bet that I am right.  I will let you know by next week as to the results of this friendly wager.  No money will change hands, just a dinner and lodging.  It’s a win.  

     I’ll bet that I am not the only one that does NOT like getting a text message question from some damn # that you have never seen!  There needs to be a class before you are allowed to text that you AT LEAST acknowledge yourself before you send a message.  Some questions don’t need answered until I know who is asking.  It is just common decency.  I bet that I get pissy dealing with texts from unkowns and I’m just a low rent, small-time breeder.  I can’t imagine how many Unidentified Text ?s that Helms, Pfeiffer, Gallagher, Hummel or Mock get.  

UT?s–You gat doe 4 sale?

Me–What age?

UT?s–DOES!

Me–Probably not

UT?s–WHY

Me–Use spell check

UT?s–??

Me–Who is this?  

UT?s–Sorry, (insert first name)  Need 2 does to show–400

Me–Nope

UT?s–Who would have some?

Me–Not me

I bet that I didn’t miss out on a sale.  And if I did, I bet that I am fine with that missed opportunity.  I bet that the temps are going to start climbing.  I bet that tomorrow is better than today.  I bet…

Cheers to all.  What a weekend!  First of all, I am glad to finally be back home on this fine Sunday evening.  Duke and I made a mile or two on Saturday.  Hit all three sales and made it home to unload stuff.  Then I left again this morning to haul kids to the Far East part of Oklahoma in order to take kids to Alumni Camp.  And yes, I did stop and dip for ticks before I got home.  

      The Circle of Champions sale went well.  Real Well!  The weather was perfect.  Whoever thought that Ralph Shafer and myself would have goats that were fresh and sale ready?  Unheard of!  But we did and they sold like it.  I wanted several of Ralph’s, but only got one.  Helms sold some sleepers. Luckily for him, I think that most of these sleepers ended up in really good homes in OK & TX.  I bought a good wether that is now in a really good home. I hope to have a pic of him for future ads for Helms to use.  Yeah, he was a little big for the sale, but he’s good.  Cramblet sold some nice goats.  Good sale.  

      The only complaint that I had with this sale was the same complaint that I had back in mid April–I didn’t have enough male kids.  I had to work to keep this set dry during the rain, but the effort paid off as these 5 kids averaged right at $6k.  Yes, that is a lot of money, but I couldn’t go buy this same set for my kid for that same money.  I expected to buy at least 1 or 2 back for Duke.  So far, Duke is the only loser.  And when you sell a good one, you pray that they go to a good home.  All five went to great homes.  The only problem is that all five will be shown at Woodward District in March.  Throw those in with all of the good ones that Poe has been gathering and Woodward District is going to be one wicked SOB of a show.  

      Young Duke got worked pretty hard on Saturday.  He washed and dried goats at Norman.  Pushed goats to Braden and Maci at Norman then helped setup goats at Milligan’s sale.  Then had to catch and setup most of the wethers at Pfeiffers for me to handle.  Then go home and unload.  Plus his keeper wethers got sold.  He didn’t complain.  I have noticed that as he gets taller, he is better help.  

       Milligan put on a well ran sale.  He had great help, it just got caught in the crosshairs between the other two sales.  Poe sold a really good little wether and a killer slick sheared doe.  Milligan sold a cool doe.  Seelke’s wether should have brought more but ended up in a great home.  Kester’s and Milligan had some good goats but for lack of better words–lots of rain, for lots of days has kicked their asses.  There were some sleepers that sold.  Those goats will feed.  

      Then Pfeiffer’s.  This deal was higher than balls on a giraffe.  Excellent crowd, excellent weather, excellent set of goats.  I had stated earlier in the day that we wouldn’t see a $10K goat there, but that the average would be WAY high.  I was wrong.  There were several $10K plus goats and the average was way high.  I was real consistent at being a contending bidder.  

      We jockeyed wethers around, hauled some does home for Tyke, sold wethers and delivered some bucks for lease.  One of those bucks had a negotiable lease agreement.  If you can’t have fun in this business, then why do it.  I knew this dude would appreciate a cash, barter, trade kind of deal.  So I told him to suprise me for the fee.  All I have to say is “Well played, Sir.”  

     All in all, it was an excellent set of goats that sold this weekend in Oklahoma.  Sure the dollars were high, but the quality warranted that fact.  I got to talk to lots of really good people.  Now, I am on to the next set.  And I can’t wait for the Best of the West sale on Labor Day in Woodward, OK.  It will be fun.  Cheers to all.  And thank you to all of the buyers, bidders and those that commented on the wethers.  And as Larry the Cable Guy allows, “Git ‘er done!”  

         Yep, that is the term that I am dealing with on this fine Friday evening.  The trailer is loaded–tack, feed, water buckets, 2 bucks to go on lease, wethers from other breeders to be delivered–everything except the 5 wethers that I am selling at Norman on Saturday at noon.  They will get loaded butt-ass early on Saturday, then we will roll.  And I smell.  Like a 44 year old guy that has been sweating that just cuaght 2 yearling bucks and loaded them in a trailer.  Whew!!

     It is with great trepidation that I sell these wethers.  If I was smart, which I can prove that I am not, I would just keep these 5 and not go to another sale.  Duke would have a great year.  But they are for sale.  I truly don’t care how much $s they bring, I just want them in good homes.  A good home makes the difference with a show animal.  Heck, if I was smart, they would still have their balls.  

      Here’s to all of those times that you are filled with trepidation.  Think about it.  First dates, signing up for something that you know that you should do but don’t really want to do, prom (what happens if I get this bra undone?) , parting with something that you probably ought to keep, ordering some weird Chilean Sea Bass dish at Pappadeaux’s or that moment when you know that you shouldn’t be driving but you make the wrong decision.  All of us have those moments that are filled with trepidation.

Here’s to tomorrow and the days to follow.  

     This is the biggest goat sales weekend in Oklahoma.  It starts Saturday at Noon in Norman, OK.  Helms, Ralph Shafer, Cramblet and myself will be selling at noon.  There will be a killer set of wethers and a really nice set of does.  I’m taking 5 wethers–4 Rumours and 1 Dirt.  I like all 5 of them.  I think all 5 are premium sale quality with a couple of them having a chance to be big time.  There will also be a really cool pair of black headed doe kids out of Black Rhino.  

     Then there is a sale in Perry, OK at the Noble County Fairgrounds.  This sale starts at 4:30 and is hosted by Milligan.  Poe, Sweet, Bruce, Hardin, Milligan and others will be selling there.  I am taking 1 wether.  He is actually a wether from Seelke’s.  He is a Deuce x Goofy.  Big boned, cocky fronted, deep twisted are a few terms used to describe this guy.  But all judges will agree that he has a monster wide loin.  There will be an excellent set of goats at this sale.  It will be well worth your time.

      Fifteen miles away at 6:30 is Pfeiffer’s sale.  I’ve seen them and this is a really deep set of goats.  If you are involved in the goat business, I highly recommend attending all three of these sales.  Even if you aren’t a buyer, breeders need to be out and about and see what others are doing.  It’s just good business.

      A husband and wife have a bad car wreck.  The husband was killed.  The wife is in a coma.  She was three months pregnant at the time of the wreck.  She stays in the coma for 6 months.  She awakens and realizes that she isn’t pregnant anymore.  

      The doctor explains her car wreck, the coma, the pregnancy and then congratulates her on giving birth to healthy twins–a boy and a girl.  She is excited about the twins.

      The doctor said, “Your brother has been here taking care of things.  He named the twins.”

      The woman, says, “Oh no.  This could be bad.  My brother is a dumb ass.  What did he name them?”

      The doctor replied, “He named the girl Deniece.”

      “Well, that isn’t a bad name.  What did he name the boy?”

      The doctor looked at her and said, “Denephew.”

The following is not my writing.  This has been on facebook and every time I read it, well, I laugh like I am in grade school and chocolate milk comes out of my nose.  I love it.  If you have facebook, then search Best Craigslist ad ever.  They ain’t lying.  Here you go.  

“For sale: one early 80’s Craftsman riding lawn mower with an 11 horse power engine and 30? mowing deck. Bottom line, this beast is a sick ride! In fact, I’d even say it’s the El Camino of yard whips. Just take a look at those sweet ass rims. So dope they look rented. ?#?arethosedubs??