Again…I bet

       One of my favorite things about this blog is when people are talking to me and say, “I don’t look at your blog very often, but this one time…..”   Oh BS!   This deal is like watching a wreck.  You know it’s going to happen.  Once you start, you check back on a regular basis, hoping for that big wreck.  I will bet that you check this blog and others like metamucil….REAL regular.  

       I know that I am right because I too check these things daily.  Milligan’s word of the day is more like word of the month or so, but I still check daily.  Today, he finally had a rant about how toilet paper is supposed to be dispensed–under the roll or like Sylvester Stallone in that crappy arm-wrestling movie… OVER THE TOP!  He is wrong, but still right.  He is wrong in the fact that it is an “Over 40” thing.  I say, “NO! It is not an over 40 thing.”  But he is correct that the over the top toilet paper dispensing is the proper way.  

     You see, I have been known to spend some quality time in the dumper, reading and thinking.  Back in the late 70s and early 80s, I read the entire set of World Book Encyclopedias all while seated on a throne of porcelain.  I’m pretty sure that my parents worried about what I was doing in there.  I have always had some digestive issues that led to me spending time in the crapper, but then I realized that I liked the solitude and the vent fan drowned out the rest of the world.  Then, we got the game Trivial Pursuit and my parents quickly realized that I ACTUALLY read that whole damn set of books, plus the National Geographics, TIME, all of the Purple Circle, Showbox and whatever livestock literature that we got, PLUS I do remember the Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions–Elle McPherson & Kathy Ireland.  I even read the captions.  

     I digress.  What I am saying is that if I was EVER on JEAPORDY and there was a category that I could run and only pray that I got a chance at a daily double during said category, well, it would be Bathroom Knowledge.  

      And without a doubt the PROPER and ONLY way to dispense butt paper is OVER THE TOP!  There are only two reasons to dispense donkey-wipe under the roll.  1–Total disregard for being proper, the environment, etc. and you just don’t care.  2–You actually want to make somebody mad.  That’s it.  There are no other valid reasons to roll aswipe under the roll.  

      While running that Deere dealership, I actually gave the dude a raise if he would put fresh rolls in going OVER THE TOP.  When they rolled under, I would sit there and correct the issue.  But then I realized that this was a recurring problem that detracted from my reading of the current High Plains Journal.  So, I confronted him.  Then, when he was due a raise, I tied that raise to correcting the problem.  Yep.  He changed his ways for a few dollars more.  Which in turn saved money as it actually saves toilet paper.  Over the top uses less butt wipe.  Not just my opinion.  Just FACT!!  

     True story–I had a really good customer that would call me on my cell phone to talk equipment.  His first question would be “Where you at?”  When I said, “My office.”  His next question would be, “East or West office.”  When I said, “West office”, he would say, “Good, you do better business when you are in that office.”  For those that don’t know, my office was on the east side and the bathroom was on the west end.  And for the record, Leroy bought lots of equipment and we made lots of money on his trade ins.  It was good business.  

      I travel a bunch.  So, I consider myself an expert on this topic.  And if you will stop and pay attention, I will prove that I am right.  When you walk into a quick stop crapper, look at the roll when you first enter the stall.  Let’s just say that you are in Texas which means that you are probably entering an Allsups.  If there is paper hanging freely and/or touching the ground, it will be from UNDER the roll.  Likewise, the over of the top method will be tore smooth off and waiting for the next pull.  Not collecting dust, maggots, viruses, VD, herpes, fly crap or anything else that might yield the user the need for a shot of Penicillin.  

     You want to argue?  Go to a McDonald’s.  Nobody does efficiency like the golden arches.  They measure time, ketchup, pickles, napkins and BUTT WIPE.  They roll it over the top.  Their donkey paper dispensers work best over the top.  And when they have the problem of challenged employees, they end up with a pile of crack paper on the floor.  

    I do and I don’t measure efficiencies of the goat industry.  I used to, but I just got depressed.  And I noticed that the more I spent, the better it works.  Doesn’t make sense and I don’t like it.  But there you go.  

      Now, what I really wish that I could do was collect a dollar from now on, EVERY time, you readers look at toilet paper rolls in every McDonald’s or Allsups or other establishments from now on.  I’ll bet you look.  

     And I’ll also bet that you children of the 80’s remember Kathy Ireland in that yellow bikini.  Over the top.